"I just want to be happy"
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I just wish my eyes would last in his the same way they last in mine.
I love him. So much.
P.S. I watched Twilight New Moon alreadyy. In your face bitches!!!!! Lalalalala
What kind of dream is this?
Friday, November 27, 2009
I put Beyonce song on repeat. I can't sleep even I've drank a full glass of Absolut Temptation. Mixture of Absolut Vodka and apple juice, wonderful drink. I admit that I'm feeling light bit my heart isn't at ease. I'm so hurt. I feel so much pain that this feeling I can't fight with anymore.
Loving him aches me. I'd do anything to see him happy. And being with him, I've got excruciatingly high expections that either of us can meet. He said he can't be that perfect that bf I want him to be, and likewise I can't seem to be someone who understands and loves him the way I should.
It's painful. It's so painful that he had to say that he wants a bf who gives a decent good life. Sadly, I'm not that gf he expects me to be. I spent this few hours to think if I should pack up his stuff and prepare my guts to give him that life. And as expected, my heart hurts so bad that all I could do was to set my hp to silent mode and deactivate vibration mode, plug off my house phone line and lock myself in.
My drink made me even more sober. I feel sad that people around me who's in love and they are so happy with their partners. They seem so happy and so in love. They have bfs/gfs who are not afraid to tell them that they are loved. They are not afraid to say I Love You on the phone. They are not afraid to show their friends that they love their partners and not afraid to be loving in front of others. And again, sadly my bf thinks it's gay to do that. And I wondered to myself that it is so unfair that while I love so much, I give him so much, I want to give him so much, I am so willing to give him more, I can't have him the way I wish God would understand me. It hurts so bad to close your eyes and cry out for someone you love. And think of the days ahead of you living without that person you cannot live without. It hurts so bad. You wouldn't know it. You wouldn't know, only if you really really feel it. And if you never feel it, I am just hoping you would..one day. Why can't you see it, out if all the people? And if this isn't love, then I don't know what it is. I don't know what love is if I'm trying to gather my thoughts and emotions fir this Inc decision to see the smile on the face if the one person I love so dearly. I really don't. I guess.
Lonely you, poor you.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Being on computer for hours, trying to catch some sleep, it makes you think about things that made sense. Somehow, at night, lonely nights, I'll be wiser. And I realize, lonely nights are just for show. Sunrise will come, mornings are to take over. You will still have to face it, face the damn sun and put that smile on your face. Be happy, and good things will come. They don't happen otherwise.
The Leftoevers
Thursday, November 19, 2009
So this is the first entry of November. My wireless has been cocked-up and I hadn't been online for quite some time. It's a good thing that it's fixed now and I decided to just write something for feed then.
There weather has been kind. I don't know know if I can conclude that Mid-November, Singapore has got good weather to sleep in and smoke cigarettes and coffee with, because I wasn't here last year at this time. I forgot if I ever took note of the weather for the the previous 4-coming-to-5 years here but that isn't the case I believe.
I've been silly today. Something struck on my head and I don't know why I allowed it to shake me a little when it shouldn't be at all. It sucks to be honest. I don't wanna think about the past and how it got me. I don't wanna know the unsaid leftovers by someone's doing to get me thinking after 2 years from its event. I don't even think I should seek for it when somehow it can make me feeling like shit. Fuck that please. Good Lord help me then.
I have not been much of someone who writes about life, about death, about other matured things or what. I just think most of the times, the motive that gets me here, writing, is because of love and its matter. Love and the heart-breaks. Love and the ups and downs. Love and how it takes me always, how it breaks me and how it makes me feel like the happiest person on Earth. I truly believe in love, in the kind of love that can break through and stay with me for the rest of my life. Now that I'm at it, I don't know if I can confidently say that this love is the same it used to be. Life has changed and its toll gets me. My relationship isn't the same with the way it was back in early 2008 or afterward. It fucking hurts me at times I'm so sad that those feelings are gone, those feelings that twinkle nose, the kind that makes me smile and hug myself in bed and thank God every single minutes it strikes me. Funny but it's so true.
It takes 2 to kiss. Takes 2 to clap, to build it on. I wish my bf will think of the beginning, and miss it and make me feel that same feeling. However, somehow deep down in me, I'm uncertain whether if he would ever do that. There are uncertainties I have of him, of us, and I'm so afraid that one day I can't hold them any longer.
But there is one thing I am never uncertain of, that is I love him. I love him so much that I think about other assholes, and I'm so glad I've found this right one. I hate to think that way, because it makes me look vulnerable. But I'm silly that way. That fucking stupid way.
For that, I'm going to continue reading my current book, Love Lives by Josie Lloyd & Emlyn Rees and hopefully I will finish it by tonight and move on to my other book that I bought from Vietnam. Don't have to doubt it, all my books are love-related. Yes, I'm helpless that way, you see? =/
Last but not least, I'm gonna start on my Wedding Planning Proposal for tomorrow, and I hope I'm gonna do a good job and get the cert with a graceful smile on my face. Good night people.
