trosaa
I have stopped doing this.
But when I do,
I will write as I will.
I will write as I love.
And I will do as I live.
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You&Me, against the world
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas is coming, who doesn't feel it? Hmmm.. Shall make plans for this Christmas Eve!
P.S. I love you, boy!
Have I made up my mind?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Just before I thought everything was almost alright, I was dead wrong. For one more time, there we were having good time and laughing and spending quality time, the same old thing happened. And this time I felt so bloody hurt that even in the cab, my heart was literally aching and leaping. It's not a good happy leap. It was the painful one, the one that lets you know it's sinking and it's not going away. Now that it happened again, we fought over the damn old fucking reason, so I asked myself if I'm prepared to decide what's for the best this time. I have already given myself thoughts and told myself that the next time it happens, I shall do something good out of it so we both won't never have to fight about it again. However, now that it did, and it's so fucked-up when I know that I will be thinking of the way out now. I think it's almost time when enough is enough. And I'm so hurt that heart doesn't convince me any longer, and my heart doesn't tell me that I should fight and go on. I guess it's just too painful that my heart can't fight it no more. This funny feeling is like having your heart ripped off and perhaps that part is already dying and fading away.. My heart has just died. And now it's just so dead. Reality sounds real as it does.....
What have I done for you?
Monday, December 7, 2009
The moment I walked in my room just now, I broke down. This room is empty. It's never this empty until today. Until today when whatever happened yesterday could just change my whole life onwards. I never need someone, and never want someone the way I do when I'm with you. I risked almost my future and my whole heart to be right where you are. It's not a good feeling to look in your eyes and think that I could let you go because I love you so much. I'm so scared to hurt you, now and more in the future. I've hurt you enough to know you're afraid and you're insecure. I've hurt you enough to know you don't trust me the same way you did. Things changed too much. You changed. And what keeps us lasting is for the simply fact we know we love each other. But yet, something about yesterday that came out from you, it keeps on playing from the back of my mind that I don't know, I really don't know if I can be with you.
Even walking away from you to the bus stop, looking back to get a glimpse of you, I couldn't even stand the distance between us. As the bus was going further, I started crying. I cried in the bus. I cried because I wish you knew. I wish you will know one day why I am here for, I wish you know my feelings and what I want. I said I could do anything for you, but I know I can't do it when I'm with you. I can't let you go to someone else when I know I deserve you more than them because I know I'm the only who cares the most out of all those people ever exist in your life, except your parents and your family. Even your friends, I know I beat them. I know if you were down and at your worst, I know I'd stick to the end with you regardless of how and what. I know they wouldn't care as much as I do for you. I know they are for your thrills, for your laughers and freedom. And it hurts to know.. they are for you to run for escape. From me.
It's not easy. To be in this place, to know that most of me is yours. I feel stupid. And I told you that. It is like my heart, my soul, my almost everything, you've taken it all. At times I feel like I live this life for you but not for myself, not even for my family, the one who made it happen for me to be with you. It is unfair. It is unfair to want you so much and yet you don't want me the same way. Reason is.. You're not alone here. I am. I am alone here even if I have no penny in my pocket, I still have to go on. I am alone here even if my friends can't be there for me, I still have to go on. I am alone here even when you choose not to be with me, I still have to fight.. to go on. Without you.
I have so many dreams. And all of them you are in it. My dreams of being you and everything else. My dreams are so loud and clear that I thought I could scream to the whole world that you are the one. And reality bites, my dreams shatter because you don't see me as the person I wish I was in your eyes. Maybe I was, for a period of time. But you've changed. You've changed into someone who takes love into another pace. And I feel like I'm the blame for it because I hurt you. I am thinking about it, and it kills me. I am thinking that if I should walk away from you now, how would it make me the next day to know I'm not with you anymore?
It was so brutal. So painful to hear from you that your life was miserable because of me and yet you can't walk away from me. It was just plain brutal and heartbreaking that I can't get it out of my mind. And your words haunt me every minute when I am awake.
Maybe just one day, when the day would come, you realize how much this life offers you without me, you would do it. And maybe just one day, perhaps another day after that, I wish you would realize that if I were the one thing missing from your life, you can think of me and be proud that I existed in this world, and be proud that I love so very much.
I just want you to now. I just want you to know. To know me, and just to know me. Now.
Before I'm not there anymore.
You know, baby?
Feerring feerring ahhhh...~
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
After reading the wonderful post from Allison's blog, I got 'feeling'. Ha. Although it might sound like I'm bragging but yes, I realize that with their presence, I feel much happier and more complete when I drag myself to school. It's becoming easier to go school and know you will have a good laugh with your classmates and you know you care for them and so do they.
It's more than taking a bus to school, smoke and sit down in the class and listen to boring lectures. It's about doing all that with them: buying bubble tea, cheese fries, smoking, making the dirtiest and lamest joke, and scold vulgar in Vietnamese, and blah blah. Lol. Thinking about it makes me feel really funny and I could even laugh to myself sometimes. But I do admit that yes, it's been more than twice or more that I felt this way about having such friends in my life.
I am grateful. And I am really really thankful that all this happened for a reason, a good reason. The memories I shall keeeeep! :)
P.S. I don't wanna deny my heart its chance to feel. No matter how much it aches, I know I love him It's hard to describe, but once you're in it, you'll know how it makes you. ily,Syahmi.
About Me
Rosa Trinh Thu Raz.
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11/09/1992
Vietnamese-Filipino-Spanish
coffee&cigarettes
media&social
photography&arts
materialistic
sports&travels
fashions&dress-ups
fats&bones&skins
sometimes bipolar
You&Me, against the world
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas is coming, who doesn't feel it? Hmmm.. Shall make plans for this Christmas Eve!
P.S. I love you, boy!
Have I made up my mind?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Just before I thought everything was almost alright, I was dead wrong. For one more time, there we were having good time and laughing and spending quality time, the same old thing happened. And this time I felt so bloody hurt that even in the cab, my heart was literally aching and leaping. It's not a good happy leap. It was the painful one, the one that lets you know it's sinking and it's not going away. Now that it happened again, we fought over the damn old fucking reason, so I asked myself if I'm prepared to decide what's for the best this time. I have already given myself thoughts and told myself that the next time it happens, I shall do something good out of it so we both won't never have to fight about it again. However, now that it did, and it's so fucked-up when I know that I will be thinking of the way out now. I think it's almost time when enough is enough. And I'm so hurt that heart doesn't convince me any longer, and my heart doesn't tell me that I should fight and go on. I guess it's just too painful that my heart can't fight it no more. This funny feeling is like having your heart ripped off and perhaps that part is already dying and fading away.. My heart has just died. And now it's just so dead. Reality sounds real as it does.....
What have I done for you?
Monday, December 7, 2009
The moment I walked in my room just now, I broke down. This room is empty. It's never this empty until today. Until today when whatever happened yesterday could just change my whole life onwards. I never need someone, and never want someone the way I do when I'm with you. I risked almost my future and my whole heart to be right where you are. It's not a good feeling to look in your eyes and think that I could let you go because I love you so much. I'm so scared to hurt you, now and more in the future. I've hurt you enough to know you're afraid and you're insecure. I've hurt you enough to know you don't trust me the same way you did. Things changed too much. You changed. And what keeps us lasting is for the simply fact we know we love each other. But yet, something about yesterday that came out from you, it keeps on playing from the back of my mind that I don't know, I really don't know if I can be with you.
Even walking away from you to the bus stop, looking back to get a glimpse of you, I couldn't even stand the distance between us. As the bus was going further, I started crying. I cried in the bus. I cried because I wish you knew. I wish you will know one day why I am here for, I wish you know my feelings and what I want. I said I could do anything for you, but I know I can't do it when I'm with you. I can't let you go to someone else when I know I deserve you more than them because I know I'm the only who cares the most out of all those people ever exist in your life, except your parents and your family. Even your friends, I know I beat them. I know if you were down and at your worst, I know I'd stick to the end with you regardless of how and what. I know they wouldn't care as much as I do for you. I know they are for your thrills, for your laughers and freedom. And it hurts to know.. they are for you to run for escape. From me.
It's not easy. To be in this place, to know that most of me is yours. I feel stupid. And I told you that. It is like my heart, my soul, my almost everything, you've taken it all. At times I feel like I live this life for you but not for myself, not even for my family, the one who made it happen for me to be with you. It is unfair. It is unfair to want you so much and yet you don't want me the same way. Reason is.. You're not alone here. I am. I am alone here even if I have no penny in my pocket, I still have to go on. I am alone here even if my friends can't be there for me, I still have to go on. I am alone here even when you choose not to be with me, I still have to fight.. to go on. Without you.
I have so many dreams. And all of them you are in it. My dreams of being you and everything else. My dreams are so loud and clear that I thought I could scream to the whole world that you are the one. And reality bites, my dreams shatter because you don't see me as the person I wish I was in your eyes. Maybe I was, for a period of time. But you've changed. You've changed into someone who takes love into another pace. And I feel like I'm the blame for it because I hurt you. I am thinking about it, and it kills me. I am thinking that if I should walk away from you now, how would it make me the next day to know I'm not with you anymore?
It was so brutal. So painful to hear from you that your life was miserable because of me and yet you can't walk away from me. It was just plain brutal and heartbreaking that I can't get it out of my mind. And your words haunt me every minute when I am awake.
Maybe just one day, when the day would come, you realize how much this life offers you without me, you would do it. And maybe just one day, perhaps another day after that, I wish you would realize that if I were the one thing missing from your life, you can think of me and be proud that I existed in this world, and be proud that I love so very much.
I just want you to now. I just want you to know. To know me, and just to know me. Now.
Before I'm not there anymore.
You know, baby?
Feerring feerring ahhhh...~
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
After reading the wonderful post from Allison's blog, I got 'feeling'. Ha. Although it might sound like I'm bragging but yes, I realize that with their presence, I feel much happier and more complete when I drag myself to school. It's becoming easier to go school and know you will have a good laugh with your classmates and you know you care for them and so do they.
It's more than taking a bus to school, smoke and sit down in the class and listen to boring lectures. It's about doing all that with them: buying bubble tea, cheese fries, smoking, making the dirtiest and lamest joke, and scold vulgar in Vietnamese, and blah blah. Lol. Thinking about it makes me feel really funny and I could even laugh to myself sometimes. But I do admit that yes, it's been more than twice or more that I felt this way about having such friends in my life.
I am grateful. And I am really really thankful that all this happened for a reason, a good reason. The memories I shall keeeeep! :)
P.S. I don't wanna deny my heart its chance to feel. No matter how much it aches, I know I love him It's hard to describe, but once you're in it, you'll know how it makes you. ily,Syahmi.
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