Do I know me?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
All these whiles, I thought I've always known me best, better than anyone who sees through me. But I think just at this period in my life, I realised that I do not know me at all - maybe just a bit, but I am still learning myself. Like I've mentioned, I have been affected very greatly by all the changes in my life. I am going to walk into being 18th with a mind that is growing, with a mindset that I will be an adult, but obviously I am dwelling over a lot of things that happen around me.
Now that Mom's marriage is over, she's enjoying her honeymoon time with my new Dad. And I will be moving to Australia sometime soon next year or the after. Because of that, I had an arguement with my mom regarding my studies and my stay in Singapore. Plus, I am loving my so-called 'job' in helping Monica. Anddd... all of that add up together, and yes, not forgetting Syahmi and my life as a teenager, yes, all of that add up and wear me out with what life brings me. I am exhausted in the mind, and physically too. I love challenges, yes I do. But why am I feeling so caged? I am feeling trapped. I am tired just by thinking what tomorrow will bring, and along the way, I think I've lost my way.
However, losing myself is not a bad thing because Alcan said "sometimes you gotta lose yourself before finding yourself". I can't disagree much from it, but truthfully the process is tiring me down. I want to escape all these problems. I really do. I need a break from myself, and let go of my expectations. :(
And yes, I just finished reading a new book I bought the other day, The Wedding Diaries by Linda Francis Lee and I fell in love with the book. What it woke me up was something in the book which makes a lot of sense. It noted something as 'You gotta realise yourself and find yourself before knowing the potential of who you can become'. I forgot the exact words, but either way, it's been stuck in my head because I am so lost at this moment.
But don't worry, I won't go back to the drinking track. Even if I drink tonight, I know my limits.
So may God bless me then.
xoxo
Stepping into a new journey..
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
That's Mama's wedding photo with Norm, my soon-to-be new dad. Looking at it gives me this much of weird feeling, good but not so good at the same time. Ha. First of all, I'm glad that she's happy with a new company in her life and I'm more than happy to welcome him into our lives. I doubted this before, but I realized that it is her life this time, and it's all up to her to take risks and be happy about it. I am her daughter, and I am so excited for the wedding this coming sunday!!! :D
Okay, here's why it's a not-so-good feeling when I look at them: It's the wedding vibe that makes me wonder, if it was my turn, how happy it would be? Well.. I'm a girl after all, I do dream about having a wedding with Mr Prince Charming too. I took Wedding Planning classes for a reason too. I want to be in those kind of portraits with my love too, but all these changes are questioning me about my future, about my career, my adulthood, and then my family - given who I see in the wedding portrait and whether if he's gonna be the right one for me in the end of the day. See, I have fears now. Told you I wasn't gonna take all this well. However, I am taking things better as each day goes by, so cheers to that! :)
Norm's breakfast is cereal and milk, and given our Vietnamese culture, our breakfast is like soup, noodles or rice and those kind of stuff. Well, I hope my maid is gonna adapt to all that soon huh. For me? Sorry, even since I get back here, I wake up at 12 in the afternoon to 1 and lunch, and I would go for a ride, find things to do, have a walk. However, things are lil more crazy now.. I have to go through tailoring, dress-fitting, and Rose and myself are planning to go nails and make-up before the wedding too. Ha! Look who's in the vibe more than my mom herself?
Well.. till then, gotta go have dinner!
xoxo
Wake up, lil girl...
Monday, May 10, 2010
According to Alcan, I've been asleep and now I am waking up.. I am still walking around idly, but I will be alright when I open my mind, my eyes and see the world with a better sight.
I finally can say that I am growing up, I finally say that I am trying my best to adapt to all the changes around me. Funnily, I can't seem to handle them too well, that I will have to admit. I really am going through a hard internal conflicts with my emotions.
I want to settle a lot of things to get over it.
According to Monica, and repeated by Rovye and Alcan, STOP EXPECTING!
According to me, Rosa, I am someone who allows myself to sink in expectations and disappointments. Yes, that is me. And I cannot blame anyone else but myself if I am crying tonight, because the reasons of the tears are mine, I cause them while I can choose not to them invade my heart, mind and soul.
I am waking up. I can say that for sure, and because of all these changes in my life: new people, new environment, new responsibilities- they make me realise that for all these whiles, I thought at least the world revolves around me.. once in awhile, but this time round: NO, the world revolves no man and no one. Those people and the changes reminded me that this stage of my life, I really gotta stop it all and live my life for myself. If things happen my way, it's a bonus, if things don't, I have my own power to turn the wheel around.
Tonight, I feel rejected from my expectations because things don't go my way like how they used to be. I feel like shit and I don't deny it. But I need to thank to all these changes, which lead to my wake-up call that maybe I will get myself out from this hole that's pulling me in.
I am a dreamer. I have dreams. But the sad part is, dreams come when you make 'em happen. But the sadder part is, to make 'em happen, you gotta make the right decisions. And now? I am not doing the right thing.
xoxo
I finally can say that I am growing up, I finally say that I am trying my best to adapt to all the changes around me. Funnily, I can't seem to handle them too well, that I will have to admit. I really am going through a hard internal conflicts with my emotions.
I want to settle a lot of things to get over it.
According to Monica, and repeated by Rovye and Alcan, STOP EXPECTING!
According to me, Rosa, I am someone who allows myself to sink in expectations and disappointments. Yes, that is me. And I cannot blame anyone else but myself if I am crying tonight, because the reasons of the tears are mine, I cause them while I can choose not to them invade my heart, mind and soul.
I am waking up. I can say that for sure, and because of all these changes in my life: new people, new environment, new responsibilities- they make me realise that for all these whiles, I thought at least the world revolves around me.. once in awhile, but this time round: NO, the world revolves no man and no one. Those people and the changes reminded me that this stage of my life, I really gotta stop it all and live my life for myself. If things happen my way, it's a bonus, if things don't, I have my own power to turn the wheel around.
Tonight, I feel rejected from my expectations because things don't go my way like how they used to be. I feel like shit and I don't deny it. But I need to thank to all these changes, which lead to my wake-up call that maybe I will get myself out from this hole that's pulling me in.
I am a dreamer. I have dreams. But the sad part is, dreams come when you make 'em happen. But the sadder part is, to make 'em happen, you gotta make the right decisions. And now? I am not doing the right thing.
xoxo
One week is hard enough..
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I thought having things to do every morning when you wake up, keeping yourself occupied with works to do, meeting friends at night for dinners and going to bed early was a good cycle to make me feel better without him around. Apparently I just feel sad, and it's only been a week.
Next week is gonna be the same I guess.. But then maybe I'm flying back pretty soon now. I'm just sad that I miss him, and we haven't been able to talk much ever since the other night that I cried on the phone.
It sucks that way but what to do huh? We just gotta do what you got to.. And I'm just keeping myself real. Because dreams and fantasy are just so yesterdays I guess.......
