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trosaa


I have stopped doing this.
But when I do,
I will write as I will.
I will write as I love.
And I will do as I live.


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What kind of dream is this?
Friday, November 27, 2009

I put Beyonce song on repeat. I can't sleep even I've drank a full glass of Absolut Temptation. Mixture of Absolut Vodka and apple juice, wonderful drink. I admit that I'm feeling light bit my heart isn't at ease. I'm so hurt. I feel so much pain that this feeling I can't fight with anymore.

Loving him aches me. I'd do anything to see him happy. And being with him, I've got excruciatingly high expections that either of us can meet. He said he can't be that perfect that bf I want him to be, and likewise I can't seem to be someone who understands and loves him the way I should.

It's painful. It's so painful that he had to say that he wants a bf who gives a decent good life. Sadly, I'm not that gf he expects me to be. I spent this few hours to think if I should pack up his stuff and prepare my guts to give him that life. And as expected, my heart hurts so bad that all I could do was to set my hp to silent mode and deactivate vibration mode, plug off my house phone line and lock myself in.

My drink made me even more sober. I feel sad that people around me who's in love and they are so happy with their partners. They seem so happy and so in love. They have bfs/gfs who are not afraid to tell them that they are loved. They are not afraid to say I Love You on the phone. They are not afraid to show their friends that they love their partners and not afraid to be loving in front of others. And again, sadly my bf thinks it's gay to do that. And I wondered to myself that it is so unfair that while I love so much, I give him so much, I want to give him so much, I am so willing to give him more, I can't have him the way I wish God would understand me. It hurts so bad to close your eyes and cry out for someone you love. And think of the days ahead of you living without that person you cannot live without. It hurts so bad. You wouldn't know it. You wouldn't know, only if you really really feel it. And if you never feel it, I am just hoping you would..one day. Why can't you see it, out if all the people? And if this isn't love, then I don't know what it is. I don't know what love is if I'm trying to gather my thoughts and emotions fir this Inc decision to see the smile on the face if the one person I love so dearly. I really don't. I guess.