Rosa Trinh Thu Raz.
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11/09/1992
Vietnamese-Filipino-Spanish
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sometimes bipolar

I have figured out something about myself. I have now become so lost, that for the very first time in my life, I don't know what I am living for, besides pushing me alive day by day for my mom.

I was so thirsty to learn. I had so my drive just a few weeks ago. I had so much eager to get out there, be a part of the world, work and make mama proud, take care of her. Yet right now, I am losing will. I'm losing hopes. I'm losing myself.

I've cried too much I wonder if I can still cry. I was on the floor, I was right there just by myself, hugging me in, breaking down and that makes me realize that a part of me had died. He took it with him. And I left it with him when I walked away. I know time will make everything okay. Eventually we will drift apart, and be okay with the reality. But I just feel like I can't wait, I have no time. I just can't wake up every day questioning myself, blaming myself for what I am today, right now. And I cannot push myself to the edge because once I lose it, I will never be the same anymore.

As I look at my mom, I feel so sad for her. And then I feel so sad for myself. Why did I let these events in my life affect me so much? I know I've always known for being emotional. I live in the moment, or sometimes I think too much and I don't seize what is there for me. I am such a neurotic perfectionist that serves both its advantages and disadvantages at the same time. As of for now, it's making my life a living hell.

I don't seem to forgive myself just now. I miss him everyday. I miss us. What kills me is that I know somewhere in our hearts, the idea of 'us' is over, but the biggest problem is: I just cannot accept it. Just yet. And because I know we have to move forward, yes, for the right reasons and for the better - but I just don't know why I can't let go of our relationship's ghost. He's everywhere. He will never leave. I know he will always remain in my life, forever. That I am so sure. And whoever makes me happy, I'm afraid I can't give them what I am supposed to. I don't know what's left of me. I need to get back on being me first. And it's so damn fucking hard knowing something is over, but someone new is there, guiding you on. How messed up can I get?

I am desperate. I have never been this desperate to get out of this self. I need to. I have to. I am trying my bestest. And this time round, I don't tell many people how it is for me, because I am too afraid to repeat the story over and over again. I realy do need to fix me. I'm scared. I'm scared of falling. I'm scared of being happy too fast that I'm taking such a risk to let someone else fix me. What am I doing to myself?

I am so selfish. I never deserve all this, do I? Is God punishing me? Or does He have a plan for me? Something greater for me? Because if He does, all I need is this strength to pick myself up and fix me. And I can't find myself vulnerable, I disgust myself. I hate myself. I have to get out! Please. Give me something, to believe in, at least to believe in myself, once again.

And forgive me. Please. Just forgive me. I'm never good. Just forgive me.

Australia, 11:26pm