Second flight.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
28 days ago, I was on the same flight, crying my heart out knowing my life will never be the same. I'm moving to a new city, new phase of life, new of everything. I had to leave my whole life in Singapore back there and start all over. Some might say they get how messed up I feel. But honestly, I know, only the special few would know what I'm actually going through.
Yes I am truly blessed for the people I have in my life. My family, my friends, Syahmi. And yes, as I am writing this in this flight, again - I know we have decided to end our relationship.
I was shivering in emotions. My heart was aching and I could feel it tighten as I'm reaching Sydney hour by hour. After my high went down, I realize my eyes started to get teary. I escaped my problem by getting high. I was numb to the pain of knowing that we are no longer the "couple" or who we used to be. I was fine. I was asleep. But as time is nearing, and fuck my high has worn off.. These downers start playing trick with my mind and my heart.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid the moment I land, I could lose my mind. I've died a little by a little. And knowing this goodbye was more real than the last time, a part of me knows that no matter how hard it will be, I will have to let go. It will hurt. It will kill me maybe. I may lose my way. I may go astray. I know I can. But I know I will keep reminding myself that we have, or had, was something that could come only once in a lifetime.
He might move on. I might move on. We both might find someone new, but something tells me we will never be really "over". The idea of us being together might have been over, we know we have to stop holding on to something thats we are so unsure of its destination. However, this 4 years and 9 months of having him in my life will not be over.
One day when I see him, and I'm sure that smile on his face will still let me know that yes, he had me. And will always have a piece of me. Forever. That I'm sure.
I've messed up. I've done lotta wrongdoings. And I pray to God that one day in the future that Syahmi will forgive me for everything. And that too I will forgive myself. Because we all in the end of the day are all humans. We make mistakes. Look at where we are now, we have to move forward. We have to.
And baby, I know you might not see this, but I wish we both will go through this together and remain in each other's life. I cannot imagine not having you in it completely. You will always be a part of it. And I know, I know we both can do this. For each other. For the future of us. And I will always have your back. Always did and always will.
