trosaa
I have stopped doing this.
But when I do,
I will write as I will.
I will write as I love.
And I will do as I live.
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A slow death
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Yup, I think I'm right. When I'm really really sad, at my lowest point where I feel I'm the only person facing against the whole world, I turn to writing some really emo posts. But I guess that's the only choice to let go of how I feel, how I really try to make sense and write my thoughts out from my mind. It's so sad. It's so sad when the reality hits you right in the face, and you know that reality means only you and you only, who has to go through it, all by yourself.
We would make it to five years if we can make it through another month of this journey. As much as I have lived through this journey knowing we have our ups and down, our differences are big and we both want different things, I know this love never really goes away no matter how jaded we have become, or maybe just me. Age plays a part in relationship these days. Growth is another. I guess both S and I have lived through the phases together, putting us in the hardest situation sometimes, he hated me, and so did I. Sometimes we almost let it go, but we didn't. We fought on. We stayed. We forgave - or at least I hope we try, and to accept each other and move on.
He makes me the happiest girl at times, but there were times I just wanted to walk away. The thing with this now is, after five years, walking away is not easy, or so is staying. I don't know why we are here, at where we are, where I have to sit here by myself, trying my best to not bawl my eyes out anymore. Better yet, I can't be indulging myself into self-pity, repeating these sad songs that make so much sense, and I just feel that pinch in my heart, trying to let the reality sink in: We don't have a future together.
I thought we did. Even if we kind of knew we don't, but I thought there is a chance we do, or we can have it if we want.
I hated him when he said maybe it's best we let go, slowly, so we don't drag this on and in the end, we will be left with nothing, I lose, he loses, and all because of something we can't agree on. Acceptance. Harmony. It's so simple but it's not easy. I hated him because I asked myself why did we - or he take this long, after five years, to know that there our journey has an expiry. And I hated him even more because for all these whiles, we ignored it, but he would have tried to at least think about it, think about us, me, our future and at least we can save this hurt way before hand. I hated him. But he was right, someone has to be selfish and I guess he has to be here. I might look like the victim here, but I'm no angel either. I can't promise, or give him that hope, that one thing in return. But just as he is, I can't change who I am for who I was born to be.
Sometimes I wonder why did I stay, when I knew this day would come, sooner or later. I even blamed myself for bringing it up, while we were so happy after four years and eleven months, and I had to ruin it all with the "talk". Well you see, the thing with love is, you can try and plan to make it to the fifth year anniversary and feel like the happiest girl and think we're sailing smoothly, but one day the storm would come, and you will drown anyway. It's just the matter of time. So even after all this time, he never once think about our future, we ignored it each time it comes up, and we are here today, I brought this up upon us, tell me now, whose fault is it anyway?
Slowly, he said. We will let go. Slowly, he said. I think I know how people die from these slowly painful death. Not that I'm dying physically. But lemme tell you something, when he looked into my eyes and said we will let go, slowly, a part of me died, shot dead right at that moment. Just imagine your doctor tells you you have cancer. Your whole world tumbled down, crashed and unprepared. And then he said you have another few months to live. Then you will just live day by day, in pain, suffering and waiting to be free, but you just don't know when. That is like now, if I see him every few day, I just die a little more. I will just have these happy times with him, or perhaps we might just be the same - or pretend to be, but I know deep down inside, this will end. The question: for how long? Just like he said, I don't know for how long.
What tears me apart is the fact that each time I look at him, I know we won't make it there, even after all these years. I have been protecting myself, playing on the safe side, because I never knew if where will this go. I never knew if we will ever have this future, make it happen like how we always jokingly speak of it. We always say we want these things together, but we have not even made pass the chance to talk about it. Maybe we're not ready. That is why today when he said we won't have that future, I don't know if that truth sets me free, or am I still denial? Or maybe I should just stop crying and let go then?
The more I see him, the more I carry the title of being his girlfriend around, the more it kills me because one day our friends will come to know that we are over for the reasons we can't control. He should just be cut-throat coldblooded, maybe that would be easier for me. Like would you rather die right at the spot, or would you die on your bed, trying to fight for your life when your body is already giving up on you? I rather die right there and then. Don't put me through hell and set me free. A part of me has died before so it's okay if I just die altogether.
I don't know what I can do. I don't know what to feel. I don't know if we should just end it now, or slowly, but either way, it leaves me without him anyway. I don't win anything in the end. So tell me now, is there any other way?
About Me
Rosa Trinh Thu Raz.
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11/09/1992
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A slow death
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Yup, I think I'm right. When I'm really really sad, at my lowest point where I feel I'm the only person facing against the whole world, I turn to writing some really emo posts. But I guess that's the only choice to let go of how I feel, how I really try to make sense and write my thoughts out from my mind. It's so sad. It's so sad when the reality hits you right in the face, and you know that reality means only you and you only, who has to go through it, all by yourself.
We would make it to five years if we can make it through another month of this journey. As much as I have lived through this journey knowing we have our ups and down, our differences are big and we both want different things, I know this love never really goes away no matter how jaded we have become, or maybe just me. Age plays a part in relationship these days. Growth is another. I guess both S and I have lived through the phases together, putting us in the hardest situation sometimes, he hated me, and so did I. Sometimes we almost let it go, but we didn't. We fought on. We stayed. We forgave - or at least I hope we try, and to accept each other and move on.
He makes me the happiest girl at times, but there were times I just wanted to walk away. The thing with this now is, after five years, walking away is not easy, or so is staying. I don't know why we are here, at where we are, where I have to sit here by myself, trying my best to not bawl my eyes out anymore. Better yet, I can't be indulging myself into self-pity, repeating these sad songs that make so much sense, and I just feel that pinch in my heart, trying to let the reality sink in: We don't have a future together.
I thought we did. Even if we kind of knew we don't, but I thought there is a chance we do, or we can have it if we want.
I hated him when he said maybe it's best we let go, slowly, so we don't drag this on and in the end, we will be left with nothing, I lose, he loses, and all because of something we can't agree on. Acceptance. Harmony. It's so simple but it's not easy. I hated him because I asked myself why did we - or he take this long, after five years, to know that there our journey has an expiry. And I hated him even more because for all these whiles, we ignored it, but he would have tried to at least think about it, think about us, me, our future and at least we can save this hurt way before hand. I hated him. But he was right, someone has to be selfish and I guess he has to be here. I might look like the victim here, but I'm no angel either. I can't promise, or give him that hope, that one thing in return. But just as he is, I can't change who I am for who I was born to be.
Sometimes I wonder why did I stay, when I knew this day would come, sooner or later. I even blamed myself for bringing it up, while we were so happy after four years and eleven months, and I had to ruin it all with the "talk". Well you see, the thing with love is, you can try and plan to make it to the fifth year anniversary and feel like the happiest girl and think we're sailing smoothly, but one day the storm would come, and you will drown anyway. It's just the matter of time. So even after all this time, he never once think about our future, we ignored it each time it comes up, and we are here today, I brought this up upon us, tell me now, whose fault is it anyway?
Slowly, he said. We will let go. Slowly, he said. I think I know how people die from these slowly painful death. Not that I'm dying physically. But lemme tell you something, when he looked into my eyes and said we will let go, slowly, a part of me died, shot dead right at that moment. Just imagine your doctor tells you you have cancer. Your whole world tumbled down, crashed and unprepared. And then he said you have another few months to live. Then you will just live day by day, in pain, suffering and waiting to be free, but you just don't know when. That is like now, if I see him every few day, I just die a little more. I will just have these happy times with him, or perhaps we might just be the same - or pretend to be, but I know deep down inside, this will end. The question: for how long? Just like he said, I don't know for how long.
What tears me apart is the fact that each time I look at him, I know we won't make it there, even after all these years. I have been protecting myself, playing on the safe side, because I never knew if where will this go. I never knew if we will ever have this future, make it happen like how we always jokingly speak of it. We always say we want these things together, but we have not even made pass the chance to talk about it. Maybe we're not ready. That is why today when he said we won't have that future, I don't know if that truth sets me free, or am I still denial? Or maybe I should just stop crying and let go then?
The more I see him, the more I carry the title of being his girlfriend around, the more it kills me because one day our friends will come to know that we are over for the reasons we can't control. He should just be cut-throat coldblooded, maybe that would be easier for me. Like would you rather die right at the spot, or would you die on your bed, trying to fight for your life when your body is already giving up on you? I rather die right there and then. Don't put me through hell and set me free. A part of me has died before so it's okay if I just die altogether.
I don't know what I can do. I don't know what to feel. I don't know if we should just end it now, or slowly, but either way, it leaves me without him anyway. I don't win anything in the end. So tell me now, is there any other way?
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