Rosa Trinh Thu Raz.
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11/09/1992
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sometimes bipolar

Another sleepless night, another painful lonely night when I found myself in the same corner of my rented apartment, stuck, hurt, high, lost. Then I tried losing myself to some tunes, to just reassure myself that my soul is alive, that there is nothing else in this world that I can relate to, I can still relate to these songs.. You Found Me - The Fray.. ~where were you, just a little late, you found me, laying on the floorrr...~

I guess these are the two favorite boy bands that still can do what they do, and just two words: fucking good. I am not ashamed of my love for commercial music, or the electronic dance scene or whatever I'm listening to. Up till now, a rap or RnB still get me groovy.. but for tonight, I feel like drowning myself to the husky voices of Issac Slade and Danny O'Donoghue (Irish huh..), because tonight, as I am up losing sleep, yes, everything that kills me makes me so alive. How can one song can mean so much, in just those many words. When he sang, Old, but i'm not that old, Young, but I'm not that bold, I don't think the world is sold, I'm just doing what we're told. Yes, I admit, I might not be the brightest star, but why should I stop shining, and why am I losing grips, losing the fire to keep it burning. Why? Why is the world against me once again? What have I done?

Get me out of here. I'm young enough to say there could be a good life, for me, for the ones I love. Where is that feeling, the spark for me to light up this city and make it my own? Like this city is on fire tonight, this could be a good life. Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work out now, we all got our stories but please tell me, what there is to complain about?

Earlier today, when everything was falling apart between me and the reality, I felt so fragile and vulnerable, and I define them as my weaknesses. I remember reading from ThoughtCatalog a night ago,Debunking The Vulnerability Myth by Cat Tu, please let me have the honor to quote her very last paragraph from the amazing post:

"We need to demystify the “vulnerability is weakness” myth by challenging society’s definition of what is “vulnerable”, as well as understanding the sources of our own “shaming inner voices”. B/c the ability to be raw with oneself/others demonstrates tremendous inner strength & resilience. And for those of us lucky enough to witness, it creates some of the most compelling, connected, and perspective-shaping memories we hold."

I love reading ThoughtCatalog, I'm officially a fan. Everyday, or night, I'd be engrossing in these people's everyday story, advice or just same old ranting from all around the world, but strangely, I feel connected to them, feel a little closer to something I can't quite describe. A common string of emotions, maybe I'm not the weird or odd one out?
Call me old-fashioned, or a dreamer, but I feel motivated and encouraged by reading these stories and writings. They could just be like me, another lost soul, (only that they can write better) so with that, I learn as I read. Who knows they might be those little life saviors that God somehow got me to them, opened my mind to what is out there, and made me understand that one fall does not mean failure, I then picked myself up little by little. Ah now, suddenly Oasis Little By Little comes to my head.

~Little by little, the wheels of your life have slowly fallen off, little by little, you have to give it all your life and all the time I just ask myself why are you really here..~

So yea, it's been 7 days into this misery. It was bad, but it's not all too bad altogether, because I told myself to loose up a little, try to look at things from a brighter point of view, and face it fearlessly, with enthusiasm, creativity and a sense of anticipation, and only then I will get through this journey with a rewarding experience. Embrace that uncertainty, dive in the pool of possibilities and let what tomorrow awaits be temporary. Because one thing I know, what's permanent is my strength, my hope and faith and if I can't hold that up for myself, who else will?

I know I can't sit here once again and complain about what a shitty life it has been for me since I lost my job. Yes, I've endured more than my fair share of more lows than highs, the downs have hit rock bottom, or I am just being a drama queen, I'm bloody 21 years old. What life have I seen? This is just the beginning and gear up Rosa, it has begun to unravel. And some day, as I drift along, or move forwards (depends on the good or the bad days), maybe the light from the far end of the tunnel, of the journey I'm heading will be emanating and guiding me where I'm supposed to be. I don't know when, I don't know where, I don't know how long it would take, but my feeling is not just wishful thinking, the choice is mine. My feelings are real, they are mine, and when I know it's time, then it will be it.

Now, I will be counting stars, and watch my mistakes burn. Let them burn me, because I will come back alive when that one missing dot is finally found, the rest will be history..

Soon. Hang in there.

Just remember, everybody dies, but not everybody lives. So yes, I am here to live. Live my life.