Valentine's Day
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
It's 8 in the morning in Matlock, it is Valentine's Day. Yuck. Everyone is posting about it, showing off their loves, gifts and romances. Yuck again.
Am I rejecting these because to me they don't mean anything, or am I acting to feel different because I don't remember the last time I felt happy with roses and chocolates and teddy bears sent to me?
Truth is, if you ask me would I trade 100 red roses for the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me, never.
Hopeless romantic I may be. But materialism can only get us thus far, everything comes after ever matter is... love?
I cannot wait to fly home. This short trip had made me feel, and think about so many things I never knew or never thought I was capable of coming to terms with.
Adele on repeat, her 25 album is the bomb. It's amazing. I remember sitting on the sofa yesterday playing to Love In the Dark, All I Ask - looking out the window as the sun piercing through the grey foggy cloudy sky, melting the snow on the grass from the day before. There was something in the wonders of the winter - the snow flakes landing and melting on my skin, the wind that gets to my bone, then the sun sneaking out and disappearing as I walked up and down the hill to let them all kiss my face and hair.
I think about my life and how I got here at this very point and place. I remember feeling very weak, almost like I could collapse and I'd rather the cold kill me softly for I've never felt so warm from the inside as love was overflowing in my system. I've been so blessed, but have I realised that? Have I let it drifted and taken everything for granted?
Often I am selfish and I am malicious, the monster in me kills and bites.. Often I am dependent and hopeless, the little girl in me drowns and drags the world down with me.
When I walked down the dimming lights along the hospital halls, as they led us back and forth from the entrance and to Stephen's mum ward, I thought it was directing me in and out of some revelation, the truth of my life and my existence. I'm still not sure what the meaning was, but I do know that lights - in all the cliche ways one puts it - will always guide you home.
Flowers.
To get her Get Well Soon flowers or to Valentine's Day roses? The irony.
Is there something disturbingly about this week that toys with my heart and mind?
I miss my mum and my home terribly.
All I can really ask now is just a little love and peace, in everyone's hearts and minds but my own. That would be the savior for us all, when we all can love a little more today. Not because it's fucking Valentine's Day, just because all of you make me hate the world so much today.
So much pain. So faint. Oh how quaint.
