Listening to 4 In The Morning
Thursday, November 28, 2013
On repeat. Time check: 4am, Singapore.
I don't know what to do in my life. I might look like I am on the right track. 21 years old. Got a job, loving my job. I wake up every day in the morning feeling that I finally have got figured out, growing wiser day by day. I am actually learning to love myself for the first time in my life.
Yet. Here I am, sitting here, worrying about the things that will break me and tear me apart. However, a part of me is telling me that the reason I let them get to me because I allow them to. I could be ignorant, I could try not to care about it, and be happy. Be selfish. Focus on my life, do that one thing that I can look back one day and tell myself that I overcome my fear, I am doing the right thing. But am I?
I will always love you. You're always a part of me. But what happened to us? Have I changed? Did I hurt you? Did I break us? Or did we lose it without us knowing, and we have been holding onto it for the wrong reasons?
I can't answer that. Nobody can. Maybe you can't either. But this journey of life, destination unknown, don't we all just have to go on and live in the moment and follow our guts, take risks, make mistakes, and learn from it, and get better by day. Isn't that a part of growing up and living life? Isn't that what the journey should shape us to who we are, and in the process of finding out who we are, that whole experience is what the beauty and meaning of life are all about?
Losing is never a good feeling. Losing you would break me. We all have lost before - in any kind of aspects of life, love, career or family.. and many more. But have we all made it out there, survived through that pain and hardship, and in the end, we come out alive and stronger than before?
I don't know what the future holds for me, for you, for every one in this world. I have stopped planning ahead of me, I have stopped trying to force something to happen which I have no control of. We are here now. We are at this point in our lives that we confuse ourselves, we hurt each other, we pretend, we try. And we try, and then we continue trying.
Some says maybe it's worth fighting. Some says maybe it will see us free. Some says only time can tell.
But are you in pain? Are you bothered? Are you tired? Are you ready to sit down and think about what is best for you, not for us, but for you? Are you willing to take a bigger step in life, and do what is right for you, not for us, but for you?
I will always love you. I will. But..?
